Monday, April 16, 2012

Tujhe Sab Hai Pataa-Meri Maa





This entry is a part of the contest at BlogAdda.com in association with imlee.com






I owe my life to her. Whatever I am today, it's because of her. Had she not scolded me endless times before my exams, I would never have been a topper. Her faith made me believe in myself.I am being loved and respected because of all the "sanskar" she has inculcated in me and I am proud of myself....





“You know, you are just 17 now. What you feel is natural. Everyone at your age thinks that their parents know nothing, they are enemies, and they don’t love their kids. But a few years down the lane, you will realise how horribly wrong you were and how damn right they had been all this time... “

-A quote by my tutor when I was pissed off at my parents because they didn’t let me go on a school excursion with my friends.....



Dear Ma,

The first time I was walking away from you, I saw tears in your eyes. I thought- oh, give it a break! It was you pestering me all these years. You always said you wanted me away. You chose this. You wanted me to become an engineer, you wanted me to taste hostel life, and now, it’s you who gets to shed the tears. You still get to remain at home, I am the one whom you are sending away to an unknown land, unknown future!!

I didn’t realise then Ma, that one day I would yearn to get back to you. I didn’t realise that the next time I would have to walk away from you, I would be the one to shed tears. I would have to cover my mouth with my hand and bite my lips to stop them from trembling before you. I have become so egoistic and independent that I don’t want you to sense how sad I become just by the thought of parting away from you.

I was happy then Ma, I was excited to leave you; I was elated that I won’t have to live with you anymore. Even when you were setting up my room in my hostel, I stopped you. I felt like telling you- Seriously! Every time? Grow up, I am not a kid anymore, I can take care of myself. Just leave me alone and go, let me savour my independence.

After bidding you and Baba goodbye, I was so happy, I heaved a big sigh of relief. I danced around celebrating being away from you.

I remember Ma, how you used to tell me to oil my hair, to comb my hair regularly to stop it from falling, to take care of my skin and my health. I didn’t pay heed to you then. I wish I had listened to you. My hair falls so much when I comb it and my scalp hurts. My skin is dry and my feet are chapped. I look like a hideous ghost. I don’t feel like taking care of myself now ma. I am tired of cleaning up my room every day. I hate to wake up every morning and wash my clothes. I cry when I have to cook dinner for myself at the end of a long day because I didn’t get to eat as I was too busy. I can’t concentrate on my studies during exams because of all the daily unavoidable chores.

This independence now haunts me Ma....

Two years down the lane Ma, I have realised how wrong I was. I want to be with you, to be dependent on you. I want you to take care of me.

When you and baba used to force me to go to bed at exact 10 pm, I always cursed you. I felt like I was caged. I wasn’t able to enjoy. I had to sleep when other kids of my age were wide awake playing or doing other fun stuff. Ma, I hated you for forcefully feeding me even when I was not hungry. I held you and baba responsible for me being overweight. I had blamed you for all the bullies I went through because I was fat, I blamed you for not able to fit in a dress I liked at the mall.

I want to come back to you now Ma. Please send me to bed now. Scold me as much as you want. Ma, I don’t get to sleep even for four hours a day. The work pressure here doesn’t let me have a proper meal a day. The stuff they serve in the mess, Ma, that’s not food. It’s so unhygienic that it makes my stomach ache, and they serve the same gooey stuff everytime. I have become so thin that my friends ask whether I am dieting. I want to shout and tell them-

 “I AM NOT DIETING; I JUST DON’T GET TO EAT. ATLEAST THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU CALL FOOD”.

As a kid I had always thought that when I would grow up, when I would have a life of my own, when I wouldn’t have to depend on you any more, I would tell you how much I always wanted to break free from you, how much I cursed you for what my life had been. I always thought you were selfish.

Now I hate myself Ma, for all the wrong feelings that hovered in my brain. I am selfish, I am a coward. I depended on you, I let you take care of me and then I was the one who wanted to stab you. Now I feel like killing myself for thinking like that.

Ma, now I have realised you always wanted to protect me. I wish I had listened to you when you told me that the world is cruel. It has been so brutal and merciless to your daughter, It has broken her heart, made her cry, used her, exploited her like she is some useless filthy piece of cloth, blamed her incessantly, left her alone and weak.

Ma, I am tired now, I am weak. I can’t tolerate this suffering anymore. I am confused and I am sick. I want to run away from this life.

I know ma, it’s too late. I wish I could come back to you, hug you and cry. I wish I could be with you forever so that no one could dare to hurt me anymore.


I am sorry Ma, for whenever I thought you were wrong, for blaming you while you loved me all along. I am sorry Ma, for not being able to decipher the meaning of your tears when I was leaving home, for not realising your concern when I didn’t go to bed at ten, for not understanding why you were so worried to let your daughter get away from you.

Ma, I know that Even though I am far from you, even though I don’t tell you what’s happening in my life, I know that you know me very well, better than even myself.

Tujhe sab hai pata, meri maa....


P.S.-This is a letter, I dedicate to everyone in my family, My Ma, baba and Dada who made me what I am today, who stuck with me at all odds and evens, in my varied moods, even when people came and left. But if you ask me why I addressed this only to my Mom, I would reply with a line my Dad told me while dropping me to school-

No matter how famous you become, how much you earn, wherever you are in this whole world, never forget your Ma, always take care of her, because no one else can take her place in your life, not even me”


23 comments:

Sneh Bansal said...

very true portrayal of feelings..got reminded of my own state of mind when i left home for the first time..beautifully written..nice reflection of ur thoughts :)

Sindhu Pasumarthy said...

feelings deep down the heart wonderfully expressed!! A very honest pure and unmitigated penning of thoughts!! Made me all nostalgic and teary-eyed as I read through this!! I genuinely felt and relived my childhood all over again!! :):)

Shalini Sah said...

really nicely penned down the complexities of the beautiful relationship shared by a mum and daughter..awesome read :)

monika agarwal said...

my goodness!! this is so exactly me. I never thought there on earth existed another girl who was happy when she left home. I thought I was the only cruel girl to have realized the Love of my mom so late. You know what?! U made me believe i was normal. Moms are the best. She fell in love with me when i first breathed in her womb, and I fell in love with her when I needed her in the my lonely room. Daughters are selfish :( :/ !

Tejaswi.Monangi said...

Emotions speak more than words and you succeed in your endeavor to make the words speak for the Emotions...
Touched by the style of writing and portrayal of feelings...
Went Back in timeline to find me in many of the similar scenes..
Simply Awesome....!!!

Dilip Kumar said...

You will not believe what just actually happened. Its 630am, I was reading your post and as I was writing this comment, my mother called me. Amazing, no?

As I completed reading this post, I sat for a moment and just like that with the crashing of waves came the memories of my childhood. Back in those days my dad used to teach me and in mean time agar mujhe 'susu' aata tha :D toh even then I didn't use to excuse myself because I was afraid of him but just by looking at me she used to figure it out and then she would tell me: "Agar Toilet Aayi Hai To Jata Kyun Nahi .... Ye To Aise Hi Hain"
Anyways! It was a great read. From hatred, anger to love and regret, wonderfully expressed all the emotions and feelings. You are so much gonna win this competition. Besta Luck! \m/

Jaatey-Jaatey 2 lines:
Meri Har Baat Wo Yun Samjh Jaati Hai,
Jaise Uske Dil Se Hoke Wo Baat Mujh Tak Aati Hai

Arnab said...

It actually reminded me of each and every day in hostel life right from the first one. Nicely written. It seems you are a pro now.. :)

Anonymous said...

feelings so perfectly portrayed..luvd it!!

Samikshan said...

Very well written. Some feelings are difficult to portray. You did it perfectly! :)

Indira Raman Tewary said...

Excellent work by you.Each line reminded me of my mother's care and love,which i am missing in my hostel life.Mother is the greatest gift and blessing of God to all human beings.Love you mom.

Anonymous said...

good dedica.tion for all d mai ka lals

garima said...

simple n perfect :)

ashwini said...

Hi Raumali, Very nice blog, so true in many sense.
We are glad to have your entry. Wish you all the best for the contest
- Ashwini
Team imlee
www.imlee.com

Daffodils said...

Sneh, sindhu,shalini,arnab, indira,samikshan, garima, Tejaswvi bhaiya - thanx a lot,love you all :)

Daffodils said...

Monika, and I thought I am the abnormal one :P

dilip,yeah you are right, Mom's know everything :)

Ashwini, thanx :)

Rajnish said...

very well described the complex relationship b/w a parent and a child...n specially some facts which always remain unsaid...even if we do realize it...

R I T I said...

Lovely post! We girls want our ma even more as we grow older :) I want to be with her all the time :)

vikbond said...

It was touching..reminded me of times when I used to complain of my mother.but afterwards realised that she always wants best of me.Mother's love is above all.

misha said...

"No one can replace mom..."
I cried all over again reading this blog...since last week,I've been feeling so lonely..missing home so so much...But all the emptiness got filled by my mom's voice...20 days to go to be home...to see mom again.
Love u mom..n thanx raumali for reminding us beautifully how wonderful mom is..:)

indra darnal said...

it is awesome........ really touch the heart

Daffodils said...

Rajnish, RITI, vikibond,misha, indra-thanx :)

Anonymous said...

fantastic portrayal of emotions.really touched. :)

Dr Roshan R said...

this is just too good.. lovely post