New Beginnings

I know I have been bad, a very bad blogger, staying away from you so long. But now I am back, and I promise to be less lazy and spend a little more time with you.

The past one year have been really a eventful year. No I don't blame anyone for that, that was exactly what I always wanted. I wanted life to surprise me by the time I turned twenty, give me loads of memories. It did too. My great adventure which landed me in the hospital for three months, depriving me of two of my college fests.... Meeting new people... Friendship, trust, love, betrayal.... and finally growing up. 

Learnt somethings are totally not meant to be, no matter how much you want or how hard you try, and the only thing you have to do in the end is to loosen the strings and let it go. Time heals everything, we just need to give it some time and keep patience. We don't need to change our self for someone, we are all unique in our own way. The only people who will go with us till the end are the ones who can be with us for the way we are. The rest will leave eventually, as they don't belong to our tribe. So it's no use brooding over them.

Finally I am having some good days. The summer vacation kept me a lot busy, and finally after a lot of hard work, today I found the little sapling growing from the seed of my tree I decided to plant 3 months ago. I have cleared ACET and now I am really proud to be a student of INSTITUTE OF ACTUARIES OF INDIA.  Need to work really hard for another 4-5 years to taste the sweet fruit of this tree.

I am leaving for Durgapur tomorrow after which I will concentrate on my internships, the actuarial studies and have also planned to start working on my first novel.

Finally it's time to move on and give my dreams the shape of reality....

P.S.- For those who are wondering what happened to my blog challenge, I am keeping that on hold for sometime, will be completing it when I again feel like it :)

A tribute to Final Years

In a few days, NIT Durgapur will become a past for you. It will become what your school, your classmates has been - A memory.... NIT Durgapur will go down in a golden frame as perhaps the four best years of your life.

Still it seems like yesterday. Cracking AIEEE, celebrating with family, counselling, getting irritated that nobody understands the difference between NIT and NIIT, visiting school and teachers one last time before leaving for abode. Some memories still vivid and fresh in the mind, walking inside the Durgapur campus with parents, registration, counselling and the feeling of ecstacy of getting allotted COMPUTER SCIENCE AND ENGINEERING DEPARTMENT. Seems like yesterday- carrying your luggage and moving inside your hostel, in a room, stuffed with another 3-4 fellows. Didn’t know then that in a few days those fellows will grow from “JUST ROOMIES” to “BEST FRIENDS”. 

The homesickness of first semester, getting up early with tears in your eyes, wishing that you were still at home seems funny now. Making new friends, interacting with seniors, doing mischief, bunking class, late night, last hour studies, making cheats for exams, breakfast at jhoops, gathering at back canteen after classes, little treats at techno, Dinner at LH more, GPL’s during birthdays, mass bunks during Festivals, the ID crowd on Wednesday nights will become past after a few days.

All these were your life till today. From tomorrow, these will become memories you will look back and smile at.
These will become fantasies, you will always yearn to get back these four years and live this life all over again. Away from all worries, enjoying life to the fullest with envious resource at your disposal. These days will never come back, but you will always long for these days.

Friends go, friendship remains, only memory lasts forever... 

All the best seniors, wish you all the success in your life.

Finally I would like to conclude with a quote by one of our teachers, Bibhas Sen sir- 

“ These four years are the golden years of your life. Live them to the fullest, you will always cherish them later.”

Tujhe Sab Hai Pataa-Meri Maa

This entry is a part of the contest at BlogAdda.com in association with imlee.com

I owe my life to her. Whatever I am today, it's because of her. Had she not scolded me endless times before my exams, I would never have been a topper. Her faith made me believe in myself.I am being loved and respected because of all the "sanskar" she has inculcated in me and I am proud of myself....

“You know, you are just 17 now. What you feel is natural. Everyone at your age thinks that their parents know nothing, they are enemies, and they don’t love their kids. But a few years down the lane, you will realise how horribly wrong you were and how damn right they had been all this time... “

-A quote by my tutor when I was pissed off at my parents because they didn’t let me go on a school excursion with my friends.....

Dear Ma,

The first time I was walking away from you, I saw tears in your eyes. I thought- oh, give it a break! It was you pestering me all these years. You always said you wanted me away. You chose this. You wanted me to become an engineer, you wanted me to taste hostel life, and now, it’s you who gets to shed the tears. You still get to remain at home, I am the one whom you are sending away to an unknown land, unknown future!!

I didn’t realise then Ma, that one day I would yearn to get back to you. I didn’t realise that the next time I would have to walk away from you, I would be the one to shed tears. I would have to cover my mouth with my hand and bite my lips to stop them from trembling before you. I have become so egoistic and independent that I don’t want you to sense how sad I become just by the thought of parting away from you.

I was happy then Ma, I was excited to leave you; I was elated that I won’t have to live with you anymore. Even when you were setting up my room in my hostel, I stopped you. I felt like telling you- Seriously! Every time? Grow up, I am not a kid anymore, I can take care of myself. Just leave me alone and go, let me savour my independence.

After bidding you and Baba goodbye, I was so happy, I heaved a big sigh of relief. I danced around celebrating being away from you.

I remember Ma, how you used to tell me to oil my hair, to comb my hair regularly to stop it from falling, to take care of my skin and my health. I didn’t pay heed to you then. I wish I had listened to you. My hair falls so much when I comb it and my scalp hurts. My skin is dry and my feet are chapped. I look like a hideous ghost. I don’t feel like taking care of myself now ma. I am tired of cleaning up my room every day. I hate to wake up every morning and wash my clothes. I cry when I have to cook dinner for myself at the end of a long day because I didn’t get to eat as I was too busy. I can’t concentrate on my studies during exams because of all the daily unavoidable chores.

This independence now haunts me Ma....

Two years down the lane Ma, I have realised how wrong I was. I want to be with you, to be dependent on you. I want you to take care of me.

When you and baba used to force me to go to bed at exact 10 pm, I always cursed you. I felt like I was caged. I wasn’t able to enjoy. I had to sleep when other kids of my age were wide awake playing or doing other fun stuff. Ma, I hated you for forcefully feeding me even when I was not hungry. I held you and baba responsible for me being overweight. I had blamed you for all the bullies I went through because I was fat, I blamed you for not able to fit in a dress I liked at the mall.

I want to come back to you now Ma. Please send me to bed now. Scold me as much as you want. Ma, I don’t get to sleep even for four hours a day. The work pressure here doesn’t let me have a proper meal a day. The stuff they serve in the mess, Ma, that’s not food. It’s so unhygienic that it makes my stomach ache, and they serve the same gooey stuff everytime. I have become so thin that my friends ask whether I am dieting. I want to shout and tell them-

 “I AM NOT DIETING; I JUST DON’T GET TO EAT. ATLEAST THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU CALL FOOD”.

As a kid I had always thought that when I would grow up, when I would have a life of my own, when I wouldn’t have to depend on you any more, I would tell you how much I always wanted to break free from you, how much I cursed you for what my life had been. I always thought you were selfish.

Now I hate myself Ma, for all the wrong feelings that hovered in my brain. I am selfish, I am a coward. I depended on you, I let you take care of me and then I was the one who wanted to stab you. Now I feel like killing myself for thinking like that.

Ma, now I have realised you always wanted to protect me. I wish I had listened to you when you told me that the world is cruel. It has been so brutal and merciless to your daughter, It has broken her heart, made her cry, used her, exploited her like she is some useless filthy piece of cloth, blamed her incessantly, left her alone and weak.

Ma, I am tired now, I am weak. I can’t tolerate this suffering anymore. I am confused and I am sick. I want to run away from this life.

I know ma, it’s too late. I wish I could come back to you, hug you and cry. I wish I could be with you forever so that no one could dare to hurt me anymore.

I am sorry Ma, for whenever I thought you were wrong, for blaming you while you loved me all along. I am sorry Ma, for not being able to decipher the meaning of your tears when I was leaving home, for not realising your concern when I didn’t go to bed at ten, for not understanding why you were so worried to let your daughter get away from you.

Ma, I know that Even though I am far from you, even though I don’t tell you what’s happening in my life, I know that you know me very well, better than even myself.

Tujhe sab hai pata, meri maa....

P.S.-This is a letter, I dedicate to everyone in my family, My Ma, baba and Dada who made me what I am today, who stuck with me at all odds and evens, in my varied moods, even when people came and left. But if you ask me why I addressed this only to my Mom, I would reply with a line my Dad told me while dropping me to school-

“No matter how famous you become, how much you earn, wherever you are in this whole world, never forget your Ma, always take care of her, because no one else can take her place in your life, not even me”

My Little Fantasies.

Hey, this is for you, my dearest MR. Right (whom I haven't had the chance to meet yet). I have always fantasized about the future, about what you and I will do together. I know it's a bit crazy on my part but you can't control anyone's dreams and fantasies. And I don't think it is a big deal of a crime to dream of small things which might make us happy. And mind you, I am not imagining stuff which we can't do, like I will never tell you to get the moon or star for me. I am not that much insane ( I am a little though :P). But I can wish for small stuffs to do with you, for which I am saving myself :)

So here is the list which I want to do with you, some little you and me moments :)

Getting Wet in The Rain :)

I know after reading this anyone will say, this girl is completely mad. Let 'em say. But I know you will understand.

When ever it rains, I just sit in my room by the window side gazing outside. Even if my friends try and pull me, they can't get me out in the rain. I even remember that once after the hot summers, when the first drops of rain hit the ground, my mum told me to go out and have a shower, it would feel good.

But I am a little too adamant, and too much romanticist. For me getting wet in the rain is something I should do only when you are with me. I want you to watch me when the first drops of rain hit me, to hold me in your arms while I dance in the rain for the first time :)

Coffee tym :)

Yeah, that's an Italian cappuccino!!

I remember the first time I went to CCD on my friend's b'day treat. I took the menu card in my hand and voila! it was there on just the first page. I didn't know then that it was called an "Italian cappuccino". I just called it "the coffee with the heart on top :)"

They saw me grinning and asked me what was I smiling at. I said nothing, and asked them whether anyone of them has tried this before, a few of them said yes. They told me it was really good and I should give it a try.

I looked back at the card, smiled and told them-"not today, some other time :)"

I hope Mr. Right, you know now why I didn't have it then and what time I am waiting for....

I Love Hugs

I know I don't need to tell you this. I know that you know the perfect way to soothe me when I am depressed or angry. But still listen to my story...

Everyone knows I am a drama-queen, princess of over reaction. Little things can make me roll on the floor with laughter, or get me crying out loud or even make my face red with anger. By little things I mean things so meager that no other person would even react, but I told ya, I am different.

So dear, when I am depressed or angry, you don't have to try very hard, just give me a tight hug. You don't even need to say anything if you don't want to, but make me feel that you are always with me <3

Lonely Wanderers

I am a lover of solitude. By solitude I don't mean only me but just you and me :)

No matter how much I enjoy being with my friends or being with your friends, I would love to spend a lot of time only with you, doing stuff either of us or both of us like. Some little you and me moments.

We can go out on a long drive at night, somewhere calm and peaceful, maybe stop midway to appreciate the beauties of nature and come back in the morning. Or we can discuss what to do even later. I am just giving an example :)

Ahhh, finally done with this. I know this has been a long post and many of you won't read it. Those who will read it will find me insane. But I know there's one guy out there who will find this totally perfect and completely sane. The one who will acknowledge all my little fantasies.

I am waiting for that one guy and this post is for him :)

Emptiness

I don’t know why I do this to myself....

Why don’t I feel the same way for someone else as I feel for you?

Why does my heart feel empty without you yet I can’t let anyone else fill it for me?

Why do I do the things that reminds me of you when all I should be doing is forgetting you and moving on?

It takes a lot of pain and courage to stop myself from talking to you, to stop myself from calling you up, to make me turn my face around when I see you.

It’s really painful to know that what I want is wrong, that it will hurt me, break me down to pieces, destroy me completely yet I want it so desperately, I don’t want to let go, I want to fight till my last breath. All these just because of the momentary happiness I get from being with you.

They tell me to move on, to get over you, to forget you. You who recently occupied a large portion of my life. But I can’t. Only because of the heat of the moment, the voice that still rings in my ears, the words still clearly etched in my mind, that smile that made my day, that touch that sent me flying into the sky. I didn’t see that the sky was dark, that it would pour heavily,  it would take all down with it and wash it all away  leaving an emptiness lurking it’s way  inside my heart.

 I knew it was going to fall apart some day, yet I desperately tried holding on to it, hoping that maybe it’s all a bad dream, that it will pass.

I don’t know why I am doing this to myself....

Maybe because sometimes I like the pain, the pain from remembering you. It has taken the place in my heart which was left by you. You left, leaving the pain with me, which doesn’t let me forget you.

I have got used to the emptiness. I have fallen in love with the pain.....

P.S- This post was written long ago, just made up my mind today to post it :)

I am not so perfect

I am a drama-queen, princess of over-reaction.

I am really passionate about the work I like to do, I can even go days without sleep. For the works I don’t like, I am always sleeping.

I like being alone, sitting in my room in solitude doing some reading or writing, rather than going out with people and making a lot of commotion, but when I am out, I enjoy the most.

No matter, whether I am happy, sad, and angry or depressed, you will always find me smiling and laughing, only the very close ones get to know what’s on my mind.

I don’t learn from heart-breaks, I just hope, the next time it would be better

I like listening to Westlife wishing that life could be as romantic as they say

I don’t like getting wet in the rain because I am waiting for the guy who will hold my hands while I dance in the rain.

If I am angry on you, it goes away just the moment I tell you how angry I was and why.

Whenever I see babies, I wish I was married and had a kid of my own with whom I can play all day without any objection without anybody else

Yes, I do fantasize about how my future can be, mixed with perfections and imperfections. None of them has happened yet, yet that doesn’t stop me from dreaming.

I am very restless, when I start a work; I wish it will be perfect at the first shot

I sometimes make illogical statements because I am too lazy to modify what’s in my head before speaking.

I don’t mind being imperfect. As a matter of fact I don’t even want my soul-mate to be perfect.

I am proud of being who I am.....

The girl at the auditions

The Panel that selected the girl

 One thing that the girl always cherishes is the SAE auditions. A year has rolled by since the day she gave her auditions where Shubham asked her whether she wanted to get into SAE because she wanted to learn how to ride a bike, Niran crossed off HTML from her form because she couldn’t say the code to make a link open in a new tab, VG made her promise that no matter what happens, even if her work is not acknowledged, she will never leave the creative team for the technical. 

The girl now is a member of the panel

Today, a year later the girl is on the other side. She has a totally different experience. A year ago, her hands were cold while she was sitting before a panel of 7-8 interviewers shooting different questions to judge her, now is one amongst the panel – playing different roles of a interviewer, critic and  consoler as and when time demands. Situations have changed. Shubham has become more serious, Niran seems calmer, VG hasn’t changed, she did hear him give the same speech to another student, the one which she got to hear a year back herself. And there are many more people who have come into the scene- Madhyama, Rintu, Subhankar, Tejaswi, Saurav, Apoorva, Indra, Shouvik, Nimit, Manali, Daksh, Partha, Abhishek, Rahul, chandap, Samarth, Ashish, Satish, Sohini, Neeru, Garima and obviously the girl herself.

Testing the candidates

Questions asked varied in context and difficulty level to test the interviewee in every field, to extract the best in them.  Each candidate was tested for administration, technical and creative stuff. Even situations were presented to review the candidate’s reaction in such situations. The girl even wondered that how simple topics like value of root 2 or c.c or making a six out of IX can become important criteria for selections.

Rahul and the girl supervising team OMNI

There were a lot of enjoyable moments. Topics like PMC, MUKTI ka MZ4, convincing the dean’s daughter, taking girls in boy’s hostels for orientation, keeping boys and girls separate during DJ night, selling pens and key rings to committee members sent everyone rolling on the floor with laughter. In the third round, the candidates were checked for their capabilities of working in a team, multitasking and completing a set of tasks in a given time under the supervision of second years. Needless to say, everyone did a wonderful job.

The girl was amazed to see the dedication, passion and enthusiasm of the candidates and the team. She saw it all, she lived it all. She had the fun and experience of a lifetime.

As the wheels of life moves on, as the entropy of the universe changes, as days pass by, life moves towards an unknown destination. One batch leaves, the other comes, but the engine will never stop roaring.

The ones who came

Purple Valentine

                                          .............................celebrating my love

Valentine’s day has just passed. It’s a day signifying love. Most people know about the dress colour codes we girls follow, but there are still a few guys out there who still wonder why girls dress so strangely similar on this day( I have no idea whether guys have any similar rule or not!!). Actually it’s said that by the colour of dress of a girl on the 14^th day of February, you can easily guess the relationship status of the girl. I am not exactly allowed to give out the codes but I can give you a hint, black signifies not interested in a relationship till now, while red means committed. There are other colours too which signifies a lot of other stuff but I don’t exactly remember because I never really cared.

So basically the reason I am doing all this bukbuk is when I woke up this morning and wore a purple t-shirt (till now purple does not signify anything, but after reading this post, you might make one), the first question that was thrown at me was-“ why purple, it doesn’t signify anything”. It didn’t even take me a second to give the answer-“coz I love purple”.

I wore purple because that’s my favourite colour. Today was not only a day of celebration for a guy and a girl holding hands and promising to be with each other. 14^th February is a day signifying love; it’s a day of celebration for everyone who loves. The first person to wish me ‘happy valentine’s day’ was my mum. I am a girl who loves, so even if I am single I have the right to celebrate this day.

I did not only wear purple, but also ate cream filled chocolate cake( though I haven’t had a cake for months), listened to my favourite song over and over again( I had stopped listening to it coz of some reasons), stood on the road in front of my hostel and fell the dry leaves falling on me with my eyes closed, spring has finally come. I even cuddled the cute puppies loitering around on the road, walked around the institute alone during free periods (I am a lover of solitude) and stopped on the way near the back canteen to listen to some happy soul playing the guitar. I even spent some time with myself recollecting memories (some of them were painful, but how do would you feel the essence of happiness unless you taste sorrow). I even did enjoy every small stuff that happened today and laughed until my stomach hurt. Sometimes I even felt like crying out loud, but that will be some other day. Today I have the right to be happy because I am a girl who loved, still loves and will always love.

So even though I may not have my mr. Right, but still I will always cherish this one day just to celebrate the fact that I love.

The DBB Guys

written on 13th may 2011

                                              ...............................................the best final years

One thing I am really grateful to NITDGP for giving me is some really good seniors. The DBB guys in our final year are worth mentioning-Aritra Biswas, Dibyo sarkar ,Sankha subhra chatterjee. MLZ and my RP made me meet these guys. Even before my cross calls started I was scared of them because of the fact that my zonemate was called up by a senior and informed that they were planning to make us write a whole newspaper!!!!

And even after meeting them during our first cross calls I was scared of them too. Though my zonemate said that these seniors are not at all that scary but nothing could relieve me. That was because during my first four cross calls we were scolded by sankha da and I personally got scolded by dibyo da. But I was thankful to Dibyo da for one thing- after hearing me sing in my first cross call he told me never to sing again in my life. As a result I was saved from singing in any cross call as he was in final year (SENIORITY FUNDA)

One incident which made me believe that these guys were really good and not scary was the RECSTACY INCIDENT. I was given the task of standing in the oval grounds everyday from 7 am to 7:30 am by some seniors. A few accidents occurred after that and DIbyo da and aritra da came to my rescue for that. Though Dibyo da was angry on me for missing the previous cross call yet he never let that come in that matter and was very supportive. When later in the evening I went to say thanks to him, he asked me why. I told him for supporting me in the morning. He said that he went to back canteen because he was hungry, then he saw there were the zone people sitting there so he came to see what was happening. There was nothing to say thanks in this matter!!!

These seniors of mine were like my own parents- “we can scold our kids as much as we want, but we don’t allow others to scold them”- this was their attitude. They have given us the highest number of treats and even taken the most of my ragging, but even have been most caring.

Ever if I wished to do something I was granted permission without any second question. These guys were always ready to give time to their juniors. I remember while returning after having a stroll in junction mall with my friends I met sankha da in jhoops and they took me out to have a gala time.

I can never forget the last treat we had with them on 5^th may afternoon as the next day we were leaving. We really had a quality time with them. When you are with them everything tastes nice. They are really fun to hang out with.

These guys were like my own brothers. I will always cherish each and every moment lived with them.

Adieu Room Number 105

written on 13th may 2011
                              ...............................Walking Down Memory Lane

As  I sit for the last time in my room today, 6^th May 2011 past midnight sleep denies to come to me. Two of my roommates have already left and the third one is sleeping soundly with the lights of our room turned off. The room is completely dark except for the dim streak of yellow light from the streetlamp outside our hostel. The environment here is serene and memories hover over my brain.

This year has been the most eventful year in my life. Happiness, sadness, joy, sorrow, excitement, success, failure- I have experienced all these aspects of life this year. I have met new people, made new friends . i have parted from my family, friends, home just for the sake of the thing which we so call A SECURED FUTURE. I have met those friends of mine whom i had left years back while leaving my birthplace. Thanks to god and our friendship that we still recognised each other though we were so small when we parted. And thanks to these friends of mine for whom I found out the rest of my childhood friends.

I have met many new people, my friends, classmates,  seniors and others  who never  made me feel that I am away from my home and family. I have got loads of love, respect and success  this year. Whereever I have been, what ever I have done, I was always in room no 105 from 12:00am to 6:00 am to get a sound sleep after a hard day’s work.

This room has been the witness of my ragging period, my assignments, my mistakes, my joys and my tears. This room has always sympathised with me in all circumstances. It was another friend of mine. I remember  I was the first one to enter this room on 24^th july 2010 will be the last one to leave it today afternoon.  My room had been a silent observer of my first year. A close bond has grown between the two of us. I am really feeling sad to leave it today. But....

Good things don’t last forever. Only memories remain........

 As  I sit for the last time in my room today, 6^th May 2011 past midnight sleep denies to come to me. Two of my roommates have already left and the third one is sleeping soundly with the lights of our room turned off. The room is completely dark except for the dim streak of yellow light from the streetlamp outside our hostel. The environment here is serene and memories hover over my brain.

This year has been the most eventful year in my life. Happiness, sadness, joy, sorrow, excitement, success, failure- I have experienced all these aspects of life this year. I have met new people, made new friends . i have parted from my family, friends, home just for the sake of the thing which we so call A SECURED FUTURE. I have met those friends of mine whom i had left years back while leaving my birthplace. Thanks to god and our friendship that we still recognised each other though we were so small when we parted. And thanks to these friends of mine for whom I found out the rest of my childhood friends.

I have met many new people, my friends, classmates,  seniors and others  who never  made me feel that I am away from my home and family. I have got loads of love, respect and success  this year. Whereever I have been, what ever I have done, I was always in room no 105 from 12:00am to 6:00 am to get a sound sleep after a hard day’s work.

This room has been the witness of my ragging period, my assignments, my mistakes, my joys and my tears. This room has always sympathised with me in all circumstances. It was another friend of mine. I remember  I was the first one to enter this room on 24^th july 2010 will be the last one to leave it today afternoon.  My room had been a silent observer of my first year. A close bond has grown between the two of us. I am really feeling sad to leave it today. But....

Good things don’t last forever. Only memories remain........