Tough Decisions

...........Sometimes you have no explanations for your actions

The world seemed to stop turning for her. Her first crush, the guy who has been evading her dreams for three years, had finally proposed to her. He was the one she was saving herself for. She was a girl who had the world at her feet. Still she has rejected innumerable proposals even though she knew that he was committed, that he loved her girl a lot and he could never be hers. Still she had kept her hopes high. Somewhere she had read that if you have a crush on someone for more than 4 months, you are definitely in love with that person. She has now been in love for three years. She has realised what she felt for him was something real, something more than just a little teenage fantasy. She could not just stop thinking about him.

The first time she heard his name, a bell rang in her ears. She didn’t know why, it was a pretty common name. As soon as she heard his name being called, she reflexively started shifting her eyes from here and there trying to get a glimpse of him. Then she was in first year of her college. He was a year senior. She didn’t get to see him. She didn’t know why she remembered his name even a few days later.

Second year, she had forgotten that incident, she had forgotten him. But when she received a text message one evening which said she had been assigned a project with him as her direct mentor, her heart skipped a bit. Was it destiny? There was meeting that day where all the second years were supposed to be introduced to the mentors. She was excited. She went there and sat silently, one amongst the timid juniors, her eyes scanning everywhere for him. But he wasn’t there. She didn’t know the names of any senior out there, but she knew that none of them was him, else she would have known. She was upset.

He did come to the meeting, a little late though. She couldn’t take her eyes off him. She was scared of him though, she didn’t know why. Maybe because he seemed too serious, too simple, the no-nonsense type. She didn’t talk to him, but she just couldn’t get him out of her mind. While leaving the meeting room she even turned back to get a glimpse of him. Her feelings were getting stronger, she didn’t know why.

Few months of work and the boundary between them started fading. Any work he got, he used to transfer them to her. Any problems she faced, she used to go to him. The fear she had started shedding off. She started liking his simplicity, his indifference, his carefree-ness. They went past the professional barriers and became friends. He too started relying a lot on her.

She learnt that he had a girl-friend, he loved her a lot. Her dreams and hopes were shattered. She had never let him know about her feelings. She tried dumping her feelings; she tried moving away from him. But she didn’t know why she couldn’t get away.

She met another guy. She got into a relationship with him. She loved him passionately. She decided never to think about her mentor again other than work.

One day, from nowhere he came back, back in her life. All her determination shattered. She just couldn’t let him go. He was in a mess with his relationships and everything else. He tried getting closer to her, she let him. They grew very close to each other. All barriers were broken between them. She let him intrude into her territory. In the mornings, she felt guilty. She hated herself. She was being with two guys at the same time-One with who, she was in a committed relationship, the other who was just a close friend. He had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend- but none of that seemed to matter then.

A few months later, her relationship died. In the meantime he had got closer to his girlfriend. She was sad. But she couldn’t say anything, he was just a friend, whatever was between them didn’t have a name. Whenever she saw him with his girlfriend, she could feel herself turning cold, her heart ached, she couldn’t bear to see him with another girl. She tried staying away from them. But the girl seemed to pop up everywhere. Wherever she went, whatever she did, his girl was everywhere. She was starting to lose it all, She felt as if she was going into a deep dark depression.

In third year, she realised that nothing was worth this pain; she had to get out from it all. Her broken relationship and the indifference of her crush were eating her from inside. She couldn’t ignore either of them, but she realised she had to stay away from both of them. She got herself busy in other obsessions. For all the work related problems she faced, she didn’t go to him; she tried solving them herself.

Few months later she has moved on. She didn’t feel pain in seeing him with his girlfriend, though it did hurt her a little. Things started getting better between them. She was getting to know him better. She realised he wasn’t serious about his girlfriend, he was trying to get closer to her, she was letting him. Sometimes she felt his indifference towards her also. Still she couldn’t love him less.

After the submission of their project paper, he took her to a restaurant where he popped the question. He told her how much she meant, to him, that he has met no one like her. He told her that he could open as frankly before her as his best friend, he couldn't do that before anyone else. Her heart stopped beating; she didn’t know what to reply. This was what she had wanted for three years; this was what she was struggling for. After a long pause, she replied- ‘No, I am sorry.’

As she was returning back that night, she didn’t know why she said that, but she felt a strange calmness surrounding her...

Moving On

“Don’t let today’s disappointment cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dream”

It is always hard to end a relationship, but the hardest part follows later, moving on. There’s no easy way, you will always try to get back there, hope everything becomes the way it was before. You feel a strange vacuum in your heart and desperately try to fill it. Don’t talk to the person no matter how much you want to, block him on facebook, Gmail and other social networking sites, and delete his number from your phone. No matter how much your heart wants, don’t look back and falter, let your brain rule for once. Keep away from anything that deals with the person.

In my case it was different. I tried being the strong one, stay in touch with the person and keep smiling. No matter how hard it may seem, no matter how much I cried inside, I didn’t let my sorrows show on my face. I never let anyone know what I was going through.

It pains, it pains a lot. I know because I have been there, done that. But with time the pain eases. It may take a day, a week, months or even years. For me it took a whole year and four months.  It took me a lot, I drowned myself in work, I blogged a lot, wrote the first draft of my first novel, book reviews, learnt web development, enrolled myself in extra courses, underwent internships.  Days were hard too, I silently cried while in class, not letting my tears show on my face, cried whenever my phone rang. Every morning I woke up I just wished the day would pass by and I would get back to sleep. I kept myself distant from people, I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, I went to bed early and woke up late every morning with tears in my eyes. I read a lot, I read novels, I read other people’s blogs, I read articles on how much time it takes to move on and get along. A time even came when I didn’t want to write anymore.

And I can finally say proudly that I have moved on. I have emerged out stronger I am never looking back. Those days were just a bad dream, a lesson from life for me. And I am grateful for the friends I have, who make me laugh even in the worst of situations. I am thankful for the summer internship I have. The city of Bangalore has really brought me joy and I have the craziest roommates here who make me laugh all day, even when I am angry. Each moment in Bangalore is memory I will cherish for the lifetime.

 Some things are just not meant to be the way we want them. Over the years, through each storm I have been through, I have realised the fact that whatever God does is in our best interests.

A Book I Love

I can't be really specific about the types of books I like, it depends on my mood. Sometimes I love to read mystery, detective novels, thrillers, sci-fi or just plain simple over the coffee reads.

One book I recently read which touched my heart was LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT by PREETI SHENOY

I remember picking up this book from crosswords stall at Junction Mall in Durgapur while returning to college after Holi with my dad. I was in a mood for some light reading and I wasn't sure what to take when I saw this one. I took this book as I liked the title and the review on the back cover and thought this would be something I might like. Also I found the price affordable.

Needless to say, I wasn't dissapointed. As soon as I started reading it I was glued to the book until I finished it, even forgetting the fact that I had a lab viva the next morning for which I wasn't even prepared. *oops!*

Coming to the story in brief-

The book revolves around the life of a girl Ankita Sharma who is talented and is a much sort after girl in college. She is already committed to Vaibhav whom she sends letters talking about her daily life, emotions and experiences. Under the company of her friends, she gets into a relationship with abhi, at the same time continuing her love for Vaibhav. After completing her graduation, she gets into one of the top MBA colleges of the country, while abhi couldn't make it. This leads to a end of her relationship with abhi and then she meets Joseph.

Within six months, Ankita lands up in a mental hospital.

What happens to Ankita next? What about Vaibhav, Abhi, Joseph? The book revolves around the breath-taking mystery of these people's lives and Ankita's story!

A tribute to Final Years

In a few days, NIT Durgapur will become a past for you. It will become what your school, your classmates has been - A memory.... NIT Durgapur will go down in a golden frame as perhaps the four best years of your life.

Still it seems like yesterday. Cracking AIEEE, celebrating with family, counselling, getting irritated that nobody understands the difference between NIT and NIIT, visiting school and teachers one last time before leaving for abode. Some memories still vivid and fresh in the mind, walking inside the Durgapur campus with parents, registration, counselling and the feeling of ecstacy of getting allotted COMPUTER SCIENCE AND ENGINEERING DEPARTMENT. Seems like yesterday- carrying your luggage and moving inside your hostel, in a room, stuffed with another 3-4 fellows. Didn’t know then that in a few days those fellows will grow from “JUST ROOMIES” to “BEST FRIENDS”. 

The homesickness of first semester, getting up early with tears in your eyes, wishing that you were still at home seems funny now. Making new friends, interacting with seniors, doing mischief, bunking class, late night, last hour studies, making cheats for exams, breakfast at jhoops, gathering at back canteen after classes, little treats at techno, Dinner at LH more, GPL’s during birthdays, mass bunks during Festivals, the ID crowd on Wednesday nights will become past after a few days.

All these were your life till today. From tomorrow, these will become memories you will look back and smile at.
These will become fantasies, you will always yearn to get back these four years and live this life all over again. Away from all worries, enjoying life to the fullest with envious resource at your disposal. These days will never come back, but you will always long for these days.

Friends go, friendship remains, only memory lasts forever... 

All the best seniors, wish you all the success in your life.

Finally I would like to conclude with a quote by one of our teachers, Bibhas Sen sir- 

“ These four years are the golden years of your life. Live them to the fullest, you will always cherish them later.”

Tujhe Sab Hai Pataa-Meri Maa

This entry is a part of the contest at BlogAdda.com in association with imlee.com

I owe my life to her. Whatever I am today, it's because of her. Had she not scolded me endless times before my exams, I would never have been a topper. Her faith made me believe in myself.I am being loved and respected because of all the "sanskar" she has inculcated in me and I am proud of myself....

“You know, you are just 17 now. What you feel is natural. Everyone at your age thinks that their parents know nothing, they are enemies, and they don’t love their kids. But a few years down the lane, you will realise how horribly wrong you were and how damn right they had been all this time... “

-A quote by my tutor when I was pissed off at my parents because they didn’t let me go on a school excursion with my friends.....

Dear Ma,

The first time I was walking away from you, I saw tears in your eyes. I thought- oh, give it a break! It was you pestering me all these years. You always said you wanted me away. You chose this. You wanted me to become an engineer, you wanted me to taste hostel life, and now, it’s you who gets to shed the tears. You still get to remain at home, I am the one whom you are sending away to an unknown land, unknown future!!

I didn’t realise then Ma, that one day I would yearn to get back to you. I didn’t realise that the next time I would have to walk away from you, I would be the one to shed tears. I would have to cover my mouth with my hand and bite my lips to stop them from trembling before you. I have become so egoistic and independent that I don’t want you to sense how sad I become just by the thought of parting away from you.

I was happy then Ma, I was excited to leave you; I was elated that I won’t have to live with you anymore. Even when you were setting up my room in my hostel, I stopped you. I felt like telling you- Seriously! Every time? Grow up, I am not a kid anymore, I can take care of myself. Just leave me alone and go, let me savour my independence.

After bidding you and Baba goodbye, I was so happy, I heaved a big sigh of relief. I danced around celebrating being away from you.

I remember Ma, how you used to tell me to oil my hair, to comb my hair regularly to stop it from falling, to take care of my skin and my health. I didn’t pay heed to you then. I wish I had listened to you. My hair falls so much when I comb it and my scalp hurts. My skin is dry and my feet are chapped. I look like a hideous ghost. I don’t feel like taking care of myself now ma. I am tired of cleaning up my room every day. I hate to wake up every morning and wash my clothes. I cry when I have to cook dinner for myself at the end of a long day because I didn’t get to eat as I was too busy. I can’t concentrate on my studies during exams because of all the daily unavoidable chores.

This independence now haunts me Ma....

Two years down the lane Ma, I have realised how wrong I was. I want to be with you, to be dependent on you. I want you to take care of me.

When you and baba used to force me to go to bed at exact 10 pm, I always cursed you. I felt like I was caged. I wasn’t able to enjoy. I had to sleep when other kids of my age were wide awake playing or doing other fun stuff. Ma, I hated you for forcefully feeding me even when I was not hungry. I held you and baba responsible for me being overweight. I had blamed you for all the bullies I went through because I was fat, I blamed you for not able to fit in a dress I liked at the mall.

I want to come back to you now Ma. Please send me to bed now. Scold me as much as you want. Ma, I don’t get to sleep even for four hours a day. The work pressure here doesn’t let me have a proper meal a day. The stuff they serve in the mess, Ma, that’s not food. It’s so unhygienic that it makes my stomach ache, and they serve the same gooey stuff everytime. I have become so thin that my friends ask whether I am dieting. I want to shout and tell them-

 “I AM NOT DIETING; I JUST DON’T GET TO EAT. ATLEAST THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU CALL FOOD”.

As a kid I had always thought that when I would grow up, when I would have a life of my own, when I wouldn’t have to depend on you any more, I would tell you how much I always wanted to break free from you, how much I cursed you for what my life had been. I always thought you were selfish.

Now I hate myself Ma, for all the wrong feelings that hovered in my brain. I am selfish, I am a coward. I depended on you, I let you take care of me and then I was the one who wanted to stab you. Now I feel like killing myself for thinking like that.

Ma, now I have realised you always wanted to protect me. I wish I had listened to you when you told me that the world is cruel. It has been so brutal and merciless to your daughter, It has broken her heart, made her cry, used her, exploited her like she is some useless filthy piece of cloth, blamed her incessantly, left her alone and weak.

Ma, I am tired now, I am weak. I can’t tolerate this suffering anymore. I am confused and I am sick. I want to run away from this life.

I know ma, it’s too late. I wish I could come back to you, hug you and cry. I wish I could be with you forever so that no one could dare to hurt me anymore.

I am sorry Ma, for whenever I thought you were wrong, for blaming you while you loved me all along. I am sorry Ma, for not being able to decipher the meaning of your tears when I was leaving home, for not realising your concern when I didn’t go to bed at ten, for not understanding why you were so worried to let your daughter get away from you.

Ma, I know that Even though I am far from you, even though I don’t tell you what’s happening in my life, I know that you know me very well, better than even myself.

Tujhe sab hai pata, meri maa....

P.S.-This is a letter, I dedicate to everyone in my family, My Ma, baba and Dada who made me what I am today, who stuck with me at all odds and evens, in my varied moods, even when people came and left. But if you ask me why I addressed this only to my Mom, I would reply with a line my Dad told me while dropping me to school-

“No matter how famous you become, how much you earn, wherever you are in this whole world, never forget your Ma, always take care of her, because no one else can take her place in your life, not even me”

Broken Heart

She woke up with tears in her eyes. She didn’t realise when she dozed off while crying last night. She was now awake, but the tears had not yet stopped. They were uncontrollable. Last night she was inflicted with the greatest pain of all times, nothing else could surpass that. Last night her heart was broken, down to pieces, her dreams were shattered.

She could feel the heaviness in her head and the emptiness in her heart. She doesn’t know why it all happened last night. But she remembers each little detail of the moment when her heart was been attacked slowly and steadily, bit by bit, till it broke down to small pieces. She doesn’t know why she didn’t protest, why she didn’t fight back. And all this was done by the person she loved the most.

She hated herself. For giving him her heart to play with. She blamed herself for whatever happened to her. She hated herself, for letting him do it again and again.

Today morning when she woke up, her eyes were still wet, her broken heart wasn’t ready to accept that it all happened. She wished it was all a bad dream, that it would pass and things would be fine.

But her mind knew, all this was pointless. None of it was a dream. It was all real and her brain remembers each little detail.

She wiped her tears with both her hands and got down from her bed. Today is 14^th February. She would be spending Valentine’s Day alone.

Emptiness

I don’t know why I do this to myself....

Why don’t I feel the same way for someone else as I feel for you?

Why does my heart feel empty without you yet I can’t let anyone else fill it for me?

Why do I do the things that reminds me of you when all I should be doing is forgetting you and moving on?

It takes a lot of pain and courage to stop myself from talking to you, to stop myself from calling you up, to make me turn my face around when I see you.

It’s really painful to know that what I want is wrong, that it will hurt me, break me down to pieces, destroy me completely yet I want it so desperately, I don’t want to let go, I want to fight till my last breath. All these just because of the momentary happiness I get from being with you.

They tell me to move on, to get over you, to forget you. You who recently occupied a large portion of my life. But I can’t. Only because of the heat of the moment, the voice that still rings in my ears, the words still clearly etched in my mind, that smile that made my day, that touch that sent me flying into the sky. I didn’t see that the sky was dark, that it would pour heavily,  it would take all down with it and wash it all away  leaving an emptiness lurking it’s way  inside my heart.

 I knew it was going to fall apart some day, yet I desperately tried holding on to it, hoping that maybe it’s all a bad dream, that it will pass.

I don’t know why I am doing this to myself....

Maybe because sometimes I like the pain, the pain from remembering you. It has taken the place in my heart which was left by you. You left, leaving the pain with me, which doesn’t let me forget you.

I have got used to the emptiness. I have fallen in love with the pain.....

P.S- This post was written long ago, just made up my mind today to post it :)

I am not so perfect

I am a drama-queen, princess of over-reaction.

I am really passionate about the work I like to do, I can even go days without sleep. For the works I don’t like, I am always sleeping.

I like being alone, sitting in my room in solitude doing some reading or writing, rather than going out with people and making a lot of commotion, but when I am out, I enjoy the most.

No matter, whether I am happy, sad, and angry or depressed, you will always find me smiling and laughing, only the very close ones get to know what’s on my mind.

I don’t learn from heart-breaks, I just hope, the next time it would be better

I like listening to Westlife wishing that life could be as romantic as they say

I don’t like getting wet in the rain because I am waiting for the guy who will hold my hands while I dance in the rain.

If I am angry on you, it goes away just the moment I tell you how angry I was and why.

Whenever I see babies, I wish I was married and had a kid of my own with whom I can play all day without any objection without anybody else

Yes, I do fantasize about how my future can be, mixed with perfections and imperfections. None of them has happened yet, yet that doesn’t stop me from dreaming.

I am very restless, when I start a work; I wish it will be perfect at the first shot

I sometimes make illogical statements because I am too lazy to modify what’s in my head before speaking.

I don’t mind being imperfect. As a matter of fact I don’t even want my soul-mate to be perfect.

I am proud of being who I am.....