A tribute to Final Years

In a few days, NIT Durgapur will become a past for you. It will become what your school, your classmates has been - A memory.... NIT Durgapur will go down in a golden frame as perhaps the four best years of your life.

Still it seems like yesterday. Cracking AIEEE, celebrating with family, counselling, getting irritated that nobody understands the difference between NIT and NIIT, visiting school and teachers one last time before leaving for abode. Some memories still vivid and fresh in the mind, walking inside the Durgapur campus with parents, registration, counselling and the feeling of ecstacy of getting allotted COMPUTER SCIENCE AND ENGINEERING DEPARTMENT. Seems like yesterday- carrying your luggage and moving inside your hostel, in a room, stuffed with another 3-4 fellows. Didn’t know then that in a few days those fellows will grow from “JUST ROOMIES” to “BEST FRIENDS”. 

The homesickness of first semester, getting up early with tears in your eyes, wishing that you were still at home seems funny now. Making new friends, interacting with seniors, doing mischief, bunking class, late night, last hour studies, making cheats for exams, breakfast at jhoops, gathering at back canteen after classes, little treats at techno, Dinner at LH more, GPL’s during birthdays, mass bunks during Festivals, the ID crowd on Wednesday nights will become past after a few days.

All these were your life till today. From tomorrow, these will become memories you will look back and smile at.
These will become fantasies, you will always yearn to get back these four years and live this life all over again. Away from all worries, enjoying life to the fullest with envious resource at your disposal. These days will never come back, but you will always long for these days.

Friends go, friendship remains, only memory lasts forever... 

All the best seniors, wish you all the success in your life.

Finally I would like to conclude with a quote by one of our teachers, Bibhas Sen sir- 

“ These four years are the golden years of your life. Live them to the fullest, you will always cherish them later.”

Tujhe Sab Hai Pataa-Meri Maa

This entry is a part of the contest at BlogAdda.com in association with imlee.com

I owe my life to her. Whatever I am today, it's because of her. Had she not scolded me endless times before my exams, I would never have been a topper. Her faith made me believe in myself.I am being loved and respected because of all the "sanskar" she has inculcated in me and I am proud of myself....

“You know, you are just 17 now. What you feel is natural. Everyone at your age thinks that their parents know nothing, they are enemies, and they don’t love their kids. But a few years down the lane, you will realise how horribly wrong you were and how damn right they had been all this time... “

-A quote by my tutor when I was pissed off at my parents because they didn’t let me go on a school excursion with my friends.....

Dear Ma,

The first time I was walking away from you, I saw tears in your eyes. I thought- oh, give it a break! It was you pestering me all these years. You always said you wanted me away. You chose this. You wanted me to become an engineer, you wanted me to taste hostel life, and now, it’s you who gets to shed the tears. You still get to remain at home, I am the one whom you are sending away to an unknown land, unknown future!!

I didn’t realise then Ma, that one day I would yearn to get back to you. I didn’t realise that the next time I would have to walk away from you, I would be the one to shed tears. I would have to cover my mouth with my hand and bite my lips to stop them from trembling before you. I have become so egoistic and independent that I don’t want you to sense how sad I become just by the thought of parting away from you.

I was happy then Ma, I was excited to leave you; I was elated that I won’t have to live with you anymore. Even when you were setting up my room in my hostel, I stopped you. I felt like telling you- Seriously! Every time? Grow up, I am not a kid anymore, I can take care of myself. Just leave me alone and go, let me savour my independence.

After bidding you and Baba goodbye, I was so happy, I heaved a big sigh of relief. I danced around celebrating being away from you.

I remember Ma, how you used to tell me to oil my hair, to comb my hair regularly to stop it from falling, to take care of my skin and my health. I didn’t pay heed to you then. I wish I had listened to you. My hair falls so much when I comb it and my scalp hurts. My skin is dry and my feet are chapped. I look like a hideous ghost. I don’t feel like taking care of myself now ma. I am tired of cleaning up my room every day. I hate to wake up every morning and wash my clothes. I cry when I have to cook dinner for myself at the end of a long day because I didn’t get to eat as I was too busy. I can’t concentrate on my studies during exams because of all the daily unavoidable chores.

This independence now haunts me Ma....

Two years down the lane Ma, I have realised how wrong I was. I want to be with you, to be dependent on you. I want you to take care of me.

When you and baba used to force me to go to bed at exact 10 pm, I always cursed you. I felt like I was caged. I wasn’t able to enjoy. I had to sleep when other kids of my age were wide awake playing or doing other fun stuff. Ma, I hated you for forcefully feeding me even when I was not hungry. I held you and baba responsible for me being overweight. I had blamed you for all the bullies I went through because I was fat, I blamed you for not able to fit in a dress I liked at the mall.

I want to come back to you now Ma. Please send me to bed now. Scold me as much as you want. Ma, I don’t get to sleep even for four hours a day. The work pressure here doesn’t let me have a proper meal a day. The stuff they serve in the mess, Ma, that’s not food. It’s so unhygienic that it makes my stomach ache, and they serve the same gooey stuff everytime. I have become so thin that my friends ask whether I am dieting. I want to shout and tell them-

 “I AM NOT DIETING; I JUST DON’T GET TO EAT. ATLEAST THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU CALL FOOD”.

As a kid I had always thought that when I would grow up, when I would have a life of my own, when I wouldn’t have to depend on you any more, I would tell you how much I always wanted to break free from you, how much I cursed you for what my life had been. I always thought you were selfish.

Now I hate myself Ma, for all the wrong feelings that hovered in my brain. I am selfish, I am a coward. I depended on you, I let you take care of me and then I was the one who wanted to stab you. Now I feel like killing myself for thinking like that.

Ma, now I have realised you always wanted to protect me. I wish I had listened to you when you told me that the world is cruel. It has been so brutal and merciless to your daughter, It has broken her heart, made her cry, used her, exploited her like she is some useless filthy piece of cloth, blamed her incessantly, left her alone and weak.

Ma, I am tired now, I am weak. I can’t tolerate this suffering anymore. I am confused and I am sick. I want to run away from this life.

I know ma, it’s too late. I wish I could come back to you, hug you and cry. I wish I could be with you forever so that no one could dare to hurt me anymore.

I am sorry Ma, for whenever I thought you were wrong, for blaming you while you loved me all along. I am sorry Ma, for not being able to decipher the meaning of your tears when I was leaving home, for not realising your concern when I didn’t go to bed at ten, for not understanding why you were so worried to let your daughter get away from you.

Ma, I know that Even though I am far from you, even though I don’t tell you what’s happening in my life, I know that you know me very well, better than even myself.

Tujhe sab hai pata, meri maa....

P.S.-This is a letter, I dedicate to everyone in my family, My Ma, baba and Dada who made me what I am today, who stuck with me at all odds and evens, in my varied moods, even when people came and left. But if you ask me why I addressed this only to my Mom, I would reply with a line my Dad told me while dropping me to school-

“No matter how famous you become, how much you earn, wherever you are in this whole world, never forget your Ma, always take care of her, because no one else can take her place in your life, not even me”

Drained Out

I had a million plans, I knew what to do. I had the future all planned out. But what I didn't know that all those plans would change. Miss know-it-all didn't know it all...

I don’t know why I am feeling so drained out today. Drained out of my thoughts, drained out of my emotions, drained out even of my tiredness. I feel like I am just a puppet, without any soul in it. I don’t know why I am not getting excited today, I don’t know why I am not getting depressed. I don’t know why I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t know why I am not protesting to do any work.

As I was sitting in my open elective class today, I felt like the life was draining out from me. I wasn’t able to do anything. I wasn’t able to stop it. I just sat there in the first bench, staring at the professor, I didnot understand a thing, I just wrote what my ears heard. At one point I didn’t even notice that my pen had stopped working.

I don’t know why this restless girl inside me is so peaceful today. There is no smile on my face. There are no feelings in my heart. There are no thoughts in my mind. I am finding this post hard to write, I know that after I have finished writing it, it would all seem rubbish. I don’t know what to write yet I am writing it. I am not even having the same thoughts that I have every day. I don’t even care that I have a viva tomorrow and everyone else is studying, while I haven’t yet opened my book.

What has happened to me? Why have I changed so much? Why do I want to rush back to my mother’s arms which I had yearned to leave for whole eighteen years? I am independent now, but I do not love this independence.

I don’t know why....

My Little Fantasies.

Hey, this is for you, my dearest MR. Right (whom I haven't had the chance to meet yet). I have always fantasized about the future, about what you and I will do together. I know it's a bit crazy on my part but you can't control anyone's dreams and fantasies. And I don't think it is a big deal of a crime to dream of small things which might make us happy. And mind you, I am not imagining stuff which we can't do, like I will never tell you to get the moon or star for me. I am not that much insane ( I am a little though :P). But I can wish for small stuffs to do with you, for which I am saving myself :)

So here is the list which I want to do with you, some little you and me moments :)

Getting Wet in The Rain :)

I know after reading this anyone will say, this girl is completely mad. Let 'em say. But I know you will understand.

When ever it rains, I just sit in my room by the window side gazing outside. Even if my friends try and pull me, they can't get me out in the rain. I even remember that once after the hot summers, when the first drops of rain hit the ground, my mum told me to go out and have a shower, it would feel good.

But I am a little too adamant, and too much romanticist. For me getting wet in the rain is something I should do only when you are with me. I want you to watch me when the first drops of rain hit me, to hold me in your arms while I dance in the rain for the first time :)

Coffee tym :)

Yeah, that's an Italian cappuccino!!

I remember the first time I went to CCD on my friend's b'day treat. I took the menu card in my hand and voila! it was there on just the first page. I didn't know then that it was called an "Italian cappuccino". I just called it "the coffee with the heart on top :)"

They saw me grinning and asked me what was I smiling at. I said nothing, and asked them whether anyone of them has tried this before, a few of them said yes. They told me it was really good and I should give it a try.

I looked back at the card, smiled and told them-"not today, some other time :)"

I hope Mr. Right, you know now why I didn't have it then and what time I am waiting for....

I Love Hugs

I know I don't need to tell you this. I know that you know the perfect way to soothe me when I am depressed or angry. But still listen to my story...

Everyone knows I am a drama-queen, princess of over reaction. Little things can make me roll on the floor with laughter, or get me crying out loud or even make my face red with anger. By little things I mean things so meager that no other person would even react, but I told ya, I am different.

So dear, when I am depressed or angry, you don't have to try very hard, just give me a tight hug. You don't even need to say anything if you don't want to, but make me feel that you are always with me <3

Lonely Wanderers

I am a lover of solitude. By solitude I don't mean only me but just you and me :)

No matter how much I enjoy being with my friends or being with your friends, I would love to spend a lot of time only with you, doing stuff either of us or both of us like. Some little you and me moments.

We can go out on a long drive at night, somewhere calm and peaceful, maybe stop midway to appreciate the beauties of nature and come back in the morning. Or we can discuss what to do even later. I am just giving an example :)

Ahhh, finally done with this. I know this has been a long post and many of you won't read it. Those who will read it will find me insane. But I know there's one guy out there who will find this totally perfect and completely sane. The one who will acknowledge all my little fantasies.

I am waiting for that one guy and this post is for him :)

Broken Heart

She woke up with tears in her eyes. She didn’t realise when she dozed off while crying last night. She was now awake, but the tears had not yet stopped. They were uncontrollable. Last night she was inflicted with the greatest pain of all times, nothing else could surpass that. Last night her heart was broken, down to pieces, her dreams were shattered.

She could feel the heaviness in her head and the emptiness in her heart. She doesn’t know why it all happened last night. But she remembers each little detail of the moment when her heart was been attacked slowly and steadily, bit by bit, till it broke down to small pieces. She doesn’t know why she didn’t protest, why she didn’t fight back. And all this was done by the person she loved the most.

She hated herself. For giving him her heart to play with. She blamed herself for whatever happened to her. She hated herself, for letting him do it again and again.

Today morning when she woke up, her eyes were still wet, her broken heart wasn’t ready to accept that it all happened. She wished it was all a bad dream, that it would pass and things would be fine.

But her mind knew, all this was pointless. None of it was a dream. It was all real and her brain remembers each little detail.

She wiped her tears with both her hands and got down from her bed. Today is 14^th February. She would be spending Valentine’s Day alone.

Emptiness

I don’t know why I do this to myself....

Why don’t I feel the same way for someone else as I feel for you?

Why does my heart feel empty without you yet I can’t let anyone else fill it for me?

Why do I do the things that reminds me of you when all I should be doing is forgetting you and moving on?

It takes a lot of pain and courage to stop myself from talking to you, to stop myself from calling you up, to make me turn my face around when I see you.

It’s really painful to know that what I want is wrong, that it will hurt me, break me down to pieces, destroy me completely yet I want it so desperately, I don’t want to let go, I want to fight till my last breath. All these just because of the momentary happiness I get from being with you.

They tell me to move on, to get over you, to forget you. You who recently occupied a large portion of my life. But I can’t. Only because of the heat of the moment, the voice that still rings in my ears, the words still clearly etched in my mind, that smile that made my day, that touch that sent me flying into the sky. I didn’t see that the sky was dark, that it would pour heavily,  it would take all down with it and wash it all away  leaving an emptiness lurking it’s way  inside my heart.

 I knew it was going to fall apart some day, yet I desperately tried holding on to it, hoping that maybe it’s all a bad dream, that it will pass.

I don’t know why I am doing this to myself....

Maybe because sometimes I like the pain, the pain from remembering you. It has taken the place in my heart which was left by you. You left, leaving the pain with me, which doesn’t let me forget you.

I have got used to the emptiness. I have fallen in love with the pain.....

P.S- This post was written long ago, just made up my mind today to post it :)

I am not so perfect

I am a drama-queen, princess of over-reaction.

I am really passionate about the work I like to do, I can even go days without sleep. For the works I don’t like, I am always sleeping.

I like being alone, sitting in my room in solitude doing some reading or writing, rather than going out with people and making a lot of commotion, but when I am out, I enjoy the most.

No matter, whether I am happy, sad, and angry or depressed, you will always find me smiling and laughing, only the very close ones get to know what’s on my mind.

I don’t learn from heart-breaks, I just hope, the next time it would be better

I like listening to Westlife wishing that life could be as romantic as they say

I don’t like getting wet in the rain because I am waiting for the guy who will hold my hands while I dance in the rain.

If I am angry on you, it goes away just the moment I tell you how angry I was and why.

Whenever I see babies, I wish I was married and had a kid of my own with whom I can play all day without any objection without anybody else

Yes, I do fantasize about how my future can be, mixed with perfections and imperfections. None of them has happened yet, yet that doesn’t stop me from dreaming.

I am very restless, when I start a work; I wish it will be perfect at the first shot

I sometimes make illogical statements because I am too lazy to modify what’s in my head before speaking.

I don’t mind being imperfect. As a matter of fact I don’t even want my soul-mate to be perfect.

I am proud of being who I am.....